Old Fashioned Courtship

Abigail Fillmore was our First Lady from 1850 to 1853. She was a former school teacher, having met her husband when he was her student. They were engaged for eight years and married for twenty-seven years. During that eight year engagement Millard Fillmore was away serving his apprenticeship as a lawyer and passing the Bar. At one point, it was three years between their meetings. Courting by mail is hard to believe now, what with texting and email, but apparently, for the Fillmores, it was a romantic task. On top of that it was only a few weeks before their wedding that Millard was bold enough to kiss Abigail on the hand - lightly - before parting. I find this so refreshing in this age of instant intimacy and exposed bodies. Imagine the mystery between these two. Their minds had met and courted successfully. Millard even gave Abigail credit for having encouraged his studies. But what today is known before the couple has hardly exchanged phone numbers, the Fillmores had the delight of discovering as good and close friends who just happened to be married. I guess my old age is showing. I find this kind of relationship refreshing. Abigail must have missed her Millard terribly during those years apart. There must have been many lonely nights for him too. But they stuck it out and eventually reap the benefits of their delay. Today it is instant gratification or nothing.

Abigail's family objected to the marriage. They felt Millard was beneath Abigail socially. But that long distance courtship prevailed and they were married in 1826. Later they had two children. Millard became President upon the death of Zachary Taylor in 1850.

Abigail was a scholary lady, who upon seeing the amount of books in the White House, got her husband to persuade Congress to vote money for a library to be established in the White House. She assembled all the books there, as well as maps and reference books, and a piano where she held musical evenings. She played and her daughter sang. She studied French. She held salons where the outstanding minds of the time were invited to discuss the topics of the day. It was said Millard never took a step without Abigails advice and counsel. Well, we have heard that before and it is a common thread that flows through many of these First Lady/President relationships. And we think we don't elect the First Lady. She is and has always been a strong influence on our President.

She should have been President

Helen Taft was one First Lady who actually wanted the job. In fact she promoted her husband forcefully whenever she could. Nellie had her work cut out for her as her husband, William Howard Taft, was not politically ambitious and often remarked that he was not "foolish enough to run for the Presidency". When President Roosevelt (Teddy) wanted to nominate Taft for the Supreme Court, "Nellie", as she was known, demanded a private meeting with the President, wherein she convinced the President that the Supreme Court was not the place for her husband. Roosevelt ended up supporting Taft in the 1908 campaign for President. Taft won easily.

At a reception in the White House the day before the inauguration, Nellie wore a hat decorated with white egret feathers. One of the feathers caught fire in a gas jet and Nellie almost went up in smoke. Not to be deterred, she trimmed the burnt feathers and wore the hat to the inauguration anyway.

On inauguration morning, a fierce ice storm struck Washington, prompting the President-Elect to say, "I always said it would be a cold day [in hell] when I got to be President of the United States". Nellie did not see the humor in his comment. Her beautiful white satin inaugural ball gown was stuck on a stalled train. The inauguration parade had to be postponed. And the inauguration ceremony was moved indoors. Nellie was about to attain her goal of being First Lady and it seemed like a curse had been placed upon the inauguration.

At last Nellie saw her wish come true and she rode with the new President, her husband, in a motor car back to the White House. She was the first First Lady to be so visible and she confessed to being "elated". Washington's gossip mill, as well as some of the women's magazines of the time, referred to Nellie as the President's "alter ego". And indeed she was.

She took charge of everything in the White House. She could greet half a dozen guests to every one greeted by her husband. They became intensely close and had few friends. If she spotted her husband in a private conversation she would rush to his side to be certain he was not getting involved in anything of which she disapproved. She fired her husband's aides and the household staff at will. She hired a housekeeper who specialized in terror tactics. She got Congress to give her $12,000 to purchase motorcars for the First Family. She was more Queen than First Lady. The President said he felt like a "fish out of water" and indulged in his favorite sport which was eating. Eventually his weight ballooned and he had to hire a plumber to install a new - much larger - bathtub to accommodate his girth.

To Nellie's favor, she did start a program to beautify Washington and with the help of the Army built a bandstand along the Potomac where she and the President would motor to attend concerts by the Army Band. She sent out an order to America's nurseries for their cherry blossom trees to plant along Potomac Drive. When the trees died, the mayor of Tokyo sent two thousand more trees. They died too, but the mayor sent more trees and eventually the beautiful Spring time cherry blossoms became a Washington tradition.

"Mrs Perfect"

Margaret Truman, in her book First Ladies, refers to Lady Bird Johnson as "the almost perfect first lady." And indeed she was. A lady with her own personal successes before she became First Lady, she came to be First Lady under the most horrific circumstances. Who could ever have been adequately prepared to assume the job after the horror of the assasination of John Kennedy? In a matter of a few seconds Lady Bird was thrown from the Washington sidelines into the spotlight. Devastated Americans read reports of her compassion to Mrs. Kennedy as they flew back to Washington with the slain President. Her strength in coping with what must have been tremendous responsibilities and arrangements, not to mention her concerns for her children and her husband were extraordinary. I remember watching her on tv the day after the assasination where she was acting as hostess at the White House for the many government workers who came through the East Room to pay their respects. How tough a job must that have been to greet each of these people warmly and with sympathy for their individual grief. She must have been spinning inside herself with all that was suddenly her job AND that the American public needed to see a competent administration taking charge. I wondered then if after the lights were turned off, she didn't just go home and have a good cry. I would have.

Lady Bird eventually put together a first-class staff, headed by a Washington newspaperwoman, Liz Carpenter. Even LBJ respected Liz and said of her, "She'd charge hell with a bucket of water." Liz and Lady Bird were the only White House occupants who had the courage to tell LBJ he was wrong. And he listened to them.

Lady Bird's business acumen served her well in the White House. She planned wonderful dinner parties designed to assist her husband in wooing his Congressional enemies. She told LBJ's campaign people not to give her the easy places on the campaign trail. But where she shined the brightest was in dealing with her husband. One day on the campaign trail when things were unbearably hot, the hecklers vicious and Lady Bird was hobbling on a swollen sprained ankle Liz Carpenter overheard Lady Bird talking to LBJ on the phone in Washington. He evidently had asked her how the day had gone. She told him "Just perfectly, dear, and how are YOU, dear." Liz realized that she was learning from the pro how to deal with a man...and that Lady Bird was unique. She was always the center of his life even though he strayed from time to time. When he had a heart attack LBJ asked Lady Bird to accompany him to the hospital, where she stayed in the room next to his for six weeks. She loved him dearly.

Home Sweet Home

Caroline Harrison, wife of President Benjamin Harrison, who took office in 1889 inherited a White House that was falling down around her. She was shocked at the wretched condition of the building and the inadequacy of the space. Accompanying the Harrisons to reside in the White House was their daughter and her husband, three lively little grandchildren, a young widowed niece and Caroline's 90-year old father. Privacy was unknown.

So Caroline set about to build a new White House with proper accommodations for the first family and guests. An architect was engaged. He prepared a model, which was dubbed "Mrs. Harrison's place." But the historical advocates opposed the plan. They said to build a new White House would be like abandoning an historic landmark. Congress failed to come up with the money and the plan died.

Caroline was disappointed, but when Congress came up with $35,000 to fix up the old White House, she excitedly started the project and completely refurbished the old house. In the 1940's Bess Truman had to move her family out of the White House while it was completely gutted and rebuilt from the inside out. Her daughter's piano was seen to lean severely to one side where a leg was about to poke through the floor to the room below. Later, Jackie Kennedy redid the house with furnishings either from the early administrations or nearly like them.

Nothing to Wear !

First Ladies have always been in the spotlight for their attire. Critics and gossips have stood at the ready since Martha Washington's days to comment on what the First Lady was wearing. Remember the splash Jackie Kennedy made in Paris with her Oleg Cassini wardrobe. She got more attention by far than her husband, the President. In the 1920's culottes became fashionable and Grace Coolidge bought a pair. Her husband insisted she return them because, "no woman in the family ever wore them." Even though that was all the more reason to wear them, Grace obediently returned the culottes. Nancy Reagan wore a knickers outfit - designed by Galanos - to dinner with the French President and his wife in Paris. The comments were that it was more like a maternity top and pants. Poor Nancy. Poor Galanos.

Of course, during the nineteenth century pants were a No No. Instead women wore corsets, hoops and bustles. No wonder Amelia Bloomer's baggy pants became a hit during the "right-to-vote" years. Even after slacks became a part of the well-dressed lady's wardrobe - thanks to Kate Hepburn - First Ladies avoided them in public. Eleanor Roosevelt would sometimes greet her guests in a riding habit, but that wasn't really considered pants. And imagine, Eleanor's clothing budget per year was $300. Jackie Kennedy's was considerably more!

Woodrow Wilson's first wife, Ellen, was a thrifty lady who was not accustomed to spending much money on clothes and kept a small wardrobe. But after she moved into the White House, she thought she needed to spruce up a bit. She had to pay for her clothing out of her own pocket. When a newspaper reported that she had spent several hundred dollars on seven gowns, she produced receipts showing the critics that the entire shopping spree cost exactly $140.84. But it didn't include any pants.

A Strong, Sensible Lady

Betty Ford, a courageous lady, fought her battles in the public eye so as to give courage to others facing the same problems. She never hesitated to tackle the tough talk about subjects previously hidden and in the process she focused the country on important issues that needed attention. She was out-spoken and plain-spoken. She was proud of the fact that she was the first President's wife to be picketed by antifeminists. Hard to believe that this was just a little over thirty years ago.

Betty was thrilled to be First Lady. At the inauguration ceremony she said she felt she was taking the oath as well. "My God, what a job I have to do," she remarked. Early on she noted that the guards scattered throughout the White House would not respond when she spoke to them. She learned that they had been instructed by the previous administration not to speak to the President and First Lady. She quickly changed that rule and soon they were all chatting with each other and with the Fords. Beatle George Harrison remarked after having lunch at the White House that "I feel good vibes about this White House." Betty brought back song and dance to the White House, after the gloom of the Watergate years. She changed the rules and swept in a new era of simplicity. "Jerry and I are very ordinary people," she said, "who enjoy life and aren't overly impressed with ourselves."

In 1975, on the heels of the sexual revolution of the sixties, when the country was still reeling from the new mantra of "if it feels good do it", Betty appeared on "60 minutes". She answered Morley Safer's questions frankly, saying that although she did not approve of premarital sex, it might lower the divorce rate. In addition, she called the Supreme Court's ruling allowing abortion a "great, great decision." She admitted that if she found out her daughter was having an affair, she wouldn't be surprised, because after all she is a perfectly normal human being. These were shocking admissions at the time, but necessary. Betty was shining the light of reason on circumstances that were happening right under our noses, but we had not yet come to understand or accept. Deal with it, she was saying. A flood of angry letters hit the White House, but within a week the tone had changed. The mail and the polls showed Betty's rating higher than her husband's. Polster Lou Harris said, "Betty Ford has now become one of the most popular wives of a President to occupy the White House."

One day Betty was showing a friend around the White House. "This," she said, "is our bedroom and that is our bed. We are the first President and First Lady to share a bedroom in an awfully long time. To my great surprise, though, people have written me objecting to the idea of a President of the United States sleeping with his wife." Another day Mrs. Ford was showing actress Candace Bergen through the Oval Room. There was a winged gold figure there of a woman with a bowl on her head. Betty told Candace that originally the lady in the statute was holding a scroll, but it had long ago disappeared. So now, whenever she could get away with it, Betty would stick something in the statute's hand, usually a cigarette. Of course, the staff would remove it, but Betty got a kick out of the game. She wondered if they ever figured out who was doing it.

In 1974, the President hosted a dinner party honoring Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas. Vicki Carr, a popular Mexican-American singer was the entertainment. President Ford congratulated her after her performance and she invited him to her home for a Mexican dinner. "What Mexican dish do you like," Vicki Carr asked the President, "I like you," he said. Mrs. Ford overheard the exchange. "That woman", she said, " will never get into the White House again."

We will talk more about Betty Ford in later posts. In fact, we will visit all the First Ladies many times so stay tuned. And thanks for reading.

If it were only that easy.

New stories more often, I promise.

Recently my grandson's first grade teacher took a week off of school to get married. The room mothers organized a class party for her and asked each 6-year-old to give their teacher advice on how to be a good wife. Our little guy's suggestion was that she learn to make a really good meatloaf. Good advice, I think.



We think today that it is harder than ever to have a good marriage given the stresses of this crazy world. Certainly, stress isn't anything new. The high statistics of affairs outside of marriage tell the tale. Yet, affairs are nothing new either. Even our beloved George Washington fell for his best friend's wife, the beautiful Sally Fairfax. He retained an attachment for her the rest of his life, but he respected his marriage more. George, it seems, was an honorable man (don't we wish that was still around) who maintained his devotion to Martha all of his life. "Love is a mighty pretty thing," he wrote, but it "is too dainty a food to live on alone, and ought not to be considered further than as a necessary ingredient for that matrimonial happiness which results from a combination of causes; none of which are of greater importance than that the partner should have disposition, good sense, a good reputation, and financial means." (I especially like the financial means part) Old George got it right. Oh, if only it were that simple.

All records of the Washingtons reflect that they did indeed live happily ever after. But I think it had a lot to do with Martha's ability to "go with the flow". She saw what she could not change and she sought ways to turn the tides in favor of her husband. She traveled in 1775 to Massachusetts where she joined her husband at Cambridge. During the winter months she would travel to his camps and remain with him until the fighting began again in the Spring. She bolstered his spirits with her presence and her work with the other wives to make garments and patch shirts for the soldiers. She could have stayed home and been comfortable and safe, but she chose to be beside her husband.

When George was serving as President, she saw to it he retired each night by 9 PM. She was a homebody who avoided the ceremonies some wanted the first President to adopt as being too much like royalty. She wrote her niece, Mercy Warren, that she was "determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may be." She carried off her role with the same sense of duty as her husband.

After the Washingtons finally were able to return to Mount Vernon and enjoy retirement, Martha wrote her dear friend, Mrs. Knox, that "I am again fairly settled down to the pleasant duties of an old-fashioned Virginia house-keeper, steady as a clock, busy as a bee, and cheerful as a cricket." Not such a bad mantra for us today.

PS: The above picture of Martha Washington is the result when forensic anthropologists were asked to do a computerized age-regression portrait of her in her mid-20s.

Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/02/08/MN1A15LMKA.DTL#ixzz0NRSc3wBP